Sunday, August 05, 2007

Têtes à claques

If your A-level French ever fails you in the East End of Montreal, Raspberry Rabbit's translation service is there to help you through. Frankly there were a couple of words which failed me but the gist of the thing is here. Really quite funny.

Officer #1: This is Constable Whittaker, the bank is surrounded. Come out with your hands up otherwise we’ll be really angry.

Thief: No way chickenshit! It's you who's gonna turn around quietly and go back to your nearest Dunkin' Donuts because I have a hostage!

Officer #1: (aside) Shit! He’s got a hostage!

Officer #2: (aside) Oh Look! I think she’s pregnant!

Officer #1: Okay, so what’s your name, buddy?

Thief : Tony. My name’s Tony

Officer #1: Now listen, Tony. Let the pregnant woman go and take me as a hostage instead.

Lady: (aside) What pregnant woman? Is he talking about me?

Thief: No way, fatso. I’m keeping the pregnant woman with me.

Officer #1: Come on Tony, you can see she’s about to give birth……

Lady: (aside) What’s the fat policeman talking about? I’m not about to give birth. I’m not even pregnant!

Thief: (aside) Calm down, lady. I’ve got no intention of harming you or your baby – I’m just looking for a way of getting myself out of here.

Lady: (aside) Hey that’s really sweet of you Bozo but don’t worry about the baby because there is no baby because I’m not pregnant, get it?

Policeman #1: Tony, listen up buddy. Tell me what you want. It’s 5:30 already and nobody here wants to miss the beginning of Virginie [a television show] so let’s get a move on.

Thief: Um, let’s see....a million dollars! I want a million dollars!

Policeman #1: Okay. Listen I don’t know if you noticed or not but you’re holed up in a bank. I think you’re better placed to deal with that part yourself, no? Is there something else you want?

Thief: Umm…err…I want a plane to Cuba. Yeah, that’s right, a plane to Cuba!

Policeman #2: (aside) Hey, you know what? My sister is a travel agent. Should I give her a call?

Policeman #1: (aside) Uh yeah, I guess, might as well give that a try.

Policeman #2: (dials number) Hello Nicole? Yeah, it’s me. You doing okay? Me? Yeah, okay not bad, errr, having an interesting day. Listen, beautiful, hows about booking me a quick trip to Cuba, later this afternoon, rush rush. Uh, no no, I’m not fighting with the Missus or anything. It’s not for me. Listen, I don’t have time to go into detail, just book me a seat for Cuba real fast, rush rush…..(pause) uh……hmm…..wait a minute, I’ll ask (to policeman #1) What about the seat… that going to be a window seat or an aisle seat…uh….he has a choice.

Policeman #1: You’ve got a choice of seats! What do you want, window or aisle?

Lady: (aside)I find that a seat in the aisle is always more convenient. That way you’re not constantly disturbing people when you want to go to the toilet……

Thief: I want two seats in First Class ‘cause I’m taking the pregnant woman with me. I’ll let her go only when I’m safe in Cuba.

Lady: (aside) What are you talking about? See here, I can’t go to Cuba. My suitcases aren’t packed, I don’t have my swimsuit there’s no…..

Policeman #1: Be reasonable Tony. The lady’s probably going to start having contractions on the plane. What are you gonna do, hold her hand and start yelling ‘push push’ at all the right moments? Think about it!

Lady: Okay, I've had enough of this nonsense (hits the thief and knocks him out – strides towards the police car). Come here, fat policeman and I’ll give you a few contractions…

Policeman #1: Madame, madame, remain calm. Hold on (crash, smash – off camera) Hey! Hey! I told you to calm down.